Booty Bandit

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the baby’s father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. Both said they were very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously20helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

“You disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me, a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!”

And Paddy (for it was he) replied “Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened.”

“Fine, go ahead”, she sobbed , “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”

And Paddy began - “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has the same pair.”

Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued - “She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

“Please … do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

The Polite way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: “Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?” Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.” The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?” Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.” “That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?” “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.” The teacher fainted.

Back when I had a a contruction company, maybe 15 years ago, I had this girl that worked for me with dyed blond hair and really nice tits. She had been married to a business owner on the East Coast of Florida who owned several surf shops and had a couple of beautiful kids, but she threw it all away for her love of crack cocaine. A friend of mine that had a window cleaning business asked me if I could employ her because she was afraid of heights, and she was trying to clean up her life and get back with her kids.

I would tease her occasionally about her being too good-looking to being working construction, and every time I took her on a job site, work would seem to cease.

She did what was basically unskilled labor, but she could do some fine finish painting, she had the patience to finish off crown molding and baseboard. And she could spend all day in a moldy shower cleaning grout. One day I told her I wanted to fuck her and she said, “okay, but you have to treat me right”. I thought that meant I had to take her out to dinner and treat her like a lady after a day’s filthy work.

I could not have been more wrong.

After taking her to a nice dinner and taking her to my place and plying her with a little wine, I moved her into my bedroom and we started playing around. But she would rebuff my every move to get into her pants, yet she continued to play along. Finally, I got her on her knees and got my hard dick out and in her face but every time I would try to move my dick into her mouth she would turn her head slightly and I just couldn’t get her to suck my dick.

She must have sensed my frustration because eventually to looked up at me and told me, “Tell me to get it right or you’ll hurt me”. I was like dawn coming on me. I said, “You stupid bitch, you better suck my dick or I am gonna fuck you up!” and I waved a clenched fist in her face.

She immediately swallowed my whole dick. I mean she buried my dick into her throat so deep I couldnt’ even see her nose. She put her hands behind her back like she was tied-up or handcuffed and I grabbed her hair and just face fucked her like I had never done before. She kept her hands behind her back the whole time. I was really ramming it down her throat and she was just taking it.

I told her I was going to come and she just leaned forward into me, letting me abuse her mouth and throat. I was really in a state of disbelief. It was incredibly erotic. By the time I started to come I guess she hadn’t been able to take a breath in a while and she was struggling a bit, but I just latched on to her hair and just drove it as deep as it would go, all of it. She was turning blue, but kept her hands behind her back, clasping them togehter tightly. After I came and pulled out of her mouth, she coughed and my come came out of her nose.

I remember when I was a kid and I drank my milk too fast a couple of times milk would come out of my nose. It was just like that. I guess I shot my come into her lungs and when she coughed it up it just came out of her nose. There were tears streaming down her cheeks the whole time. She licked my come from her upper lip and jumped up and hugged me and told me she loved me and that I could do that to her any time I wanted.

Her sister got married the next week and she said she had to leave town for the wedding and I never saw her again. But I will never ever forget that.

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton. That evening, the man introduced Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze — perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get “those feelings” again.. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary cautiously and whispered in her ear…

“Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”

I hate it when a girl says “No”.  That’s like my single major turn-off.  I tell the girls too, say “stop” or “don’t” or “quit” to me during sex and it’ll be the last time you ever have that chance.

So, this silly girl wanted to fuck me.  She was good looking, but she came with a lot of personal baggage/issues that I wasn’t looking forward to dealing with in a personal relationship with her.  But, she argued that it would be the best pussy I ever had.  And she was so confident about it, telling me she’s gonna fuck me this way and that way and would fill my every desire.  That’s like a leprechaun saying “here’s a pot of gold, take all you want, it’ll always be here for ya”.  How does a horny guy pass on the pussy promised land?  He doesn’t.  He nails that thing.

This girl was one-day off her period, so there was no way she was gonna get preggy on me.

About 5 minutes into the actual intercorse, everything was going great, we were doing it missionary style and before I was going to let her go cowgirl on me, I thought I’d reach a bit of a peak, get that hint of an orgasm, before changing positions, but she saw me thrusting harder and breathing heavier, so she jumps up out of bed and says, “that’s it.  No more.  You were going to come.”

What the fuck?

That gold plated pussy was a piece of shit.  I never touched it again.

Everyone knows The Booty Bandit like fucking girls up the ass.   Some guys dig that and I’m just one of those guys.   I think it’s a lot better than being gay, but not quite as good as being normal, being a pure pussy lover.  Guys who just dig on pussy have it made since that’s what most girls are serving.  Guys who dig on getting head have it almost as good as pussy guys, and a lot better then guys who dig on ass.  (I know guys who like fat girls, too.  That would give a guy a lot more options, but that’s not an option I can dig on.)

This one time I met this girl that said she wouldn’t pussy fuck until she was married, but it would be okay if I would just fuck her in the ass.  Holy Shit on my dick!  That meant no pussy, none at all.  She would give head, not very good, so that was a side benefit, but the main buffet was strictly ass fucking.

Because previously I had never had enough ass in ratio to pussy, I never knew how much I liked pussy.  I always wished for more ass, but now my ass to pussy ratio had swollen to 100%.  I had been used to 0% to maybe 20%, but in each encounter vaginal sex was always enjoyed, most often the menu was served in courses beginning with oral, then culminating most often with vaginal, and occasionally with anal.

I’m not sure what it is about ass fucking that makes me like it so much, but one thing that is a standout candidate is the expressiveness of the act as reflected on an woman’s face.  Generally, a wide gamut of expressed emotions will be displayed by a woman from just prior to penetration to full impalement.  These expressed emotions include pain, pleasure, humiliation, submission, passion, lust, regret, rebelliousness, abandonment, and of course, the faces of orgasm itself.

This was the first time only oral and anal were on the menu for me.  I really would have thought that I would have loved it.  The sweetest thing I’ve ever heard was a girl whispering “no, please, just fuck me in my ass”.  Straight to the A, how sweet it is.

Ass fucking a girl is like dessert, something I don’t eat (dessert) very often, but when that’s all that is on the menu, it gets old fast.  That is, an ass to pussy ratio of 1/0 is worse than a pussy to ass ratio of 1/0.

No matter how sweet a good ass fucking can be, nothing beats pussy.  So, no matter how much I may cheer for anal sex, pussy is still my home team.  Pussy is still #1 in my book and you can take that from a booty fucking bandit.